Reaching for the Stars in Your Marriage
When we have been discouraged during dating and had prior relationships sour, we sometimes conclude that all relationships eventually don’t work. So when you finally marry and the honeymoon period has passed, the day to day building of a marriage sometimes feels daunting. There are the conversations, clarifications, needs and requests, joys, setbacks and more. The key is knowing that all this is normal and builds the foundation for your lasting relationship.
I say this work is what helps you reach for the stars in your marriage. Reach for intimacy, warmth, self knowledge, knowing your partner, resolving of differences, identification of both of your needs, development of mutual interests, being cherished and more. Those efforts will take your relationship to a place better than you ever thought was possible. Reach for those stars.
The Five C’s to a Successful Marriage can help your relationship reach for the stars. It’s a simple yet effective tool that you and your partner can use to have a lasting and loving marriage.
Together you look at your commitment to working on the relationship. “Are you in?”
Then you are guided to practice “talking and listening” to each other as a way to effectively share how you have been feeling. Many couples have not learned effective communication in their families. Partners often have not been speaking up or listening.
Then you work on conflict resolution and the negotiation of needs between you. There are effective ideas available today. There will be more about this in future blogs. An important part of this conflict resolution process is identifying the wounds or sensitivites we have developed in our first twelve years growing up. These might have been hurtful things said by our parents, brothers and sisters or neighborhood bullies. Whatever happened, we recovered . . . but may have been left with hurt feelings. These need to be, and can be, healed. Healing these feelings can make your relationship go smoother. Since the committed relationship is much closer and more intense, you bang up against these hurt feelings more often. For example, your parents may have worked long hours and you felt your needs for attention as a child were neglected. Then in your marriage, after the honeymoon was over, you experienced your spouse paying little attention to you just like you experienced in your childhood. So your hurt or angry feelings about this are doubled by your partner’s present behavior and your past. In counseling, you identify, talk about, heal and make a plan for more effective relating between you both.
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